JaPnAiBLisStA's Xanga

Monday, September 22, 2008

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 00:42:39 GMT

If G-d decides to, someday, finally endow me with children, I'd like them to be able to say, "Daddy saved Mommy from a man that almost killed her."

If ever we get there someday...

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 05:26:36 GMT

I don't know how I survived the last three years. I'd been thrown around, kicked, choked, dragged, thrown out of my own home, flung beer at, had my door broken and belongings thrown, and consistently screamed at. I'd been rejected for a traitor friend, only to be stupid enough to take him back, several times, like a stupid dog, after his offenses. I'd been kept from going to school, going to work, and from spending time with my family.

Yet I still feel hurt when I hear Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars."

I know it was one of the worst situations I could put myself in. I knew better, but was too naive to accept it. When I was younger, with Karolyn, I'd urge her to leave a boy that was mistreating her. I couldn't even do that myself. I didn't, for most of that time, have the resources to leave. For awhile I thought he did those because I deserved it from provoking him. In reality, his responses were inappropriate. I'm not a child for him to punish; I am an adult woman, supposed to be his emotional support, not some toy or aggression bag.

All these I have to un-learn. It's NOT justified for a man to scream at you, no matter what the context. I lost those three years, years I could have used to achieve a degree.

He never told me I was beautiful, nor did he ever tell me he loved me (I should never have to consistently initiate it). Instead, he ignored me, insulted me, accused me of things I did not do. When we were living on our own, what little money we even had and instead of trying to stretch what we had, he spent it on alcohol, marijuana, and cigarettes. I still paid when we were out, contradictory to his duty as a man. He would not open the door for me, nor would he offer to carry my things when it looked obvious I was struggling. He criticized me. He wouldn't protect me; when I was insulted by other people, he did nothing to protect my honor. I received no fresh red roses on anniversary days, instead I was shoved aside and/or forgotten. At major operations, he was absent. I was alone in those years. He provided me no comfort, no emotional support.

And now that we have been long over, he harasses me. If he truly loved me, he wouldn't have done the things he did. If he truly cared, he wouldn't say what he says to me; instead he would show that he cared, hoping that my new flame treat me better than he did. A mature, kind man would wish the best for me, not condemn and insult me; wish that he provide for me what he obviously could not.

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone
-Tracy Chapman, "Fast Car"

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 02:22:16 GMT

TF2 ORGASM!!!!

Woo hoo, my Pyro will finally have his axe-stinguisher!!! <3 (Oh wait, I don't have 360 the way that I used to...awww...so, so sad.)

Got re-infected with Cellulitis again (remember January 2007 when he hit me the first time? yeah, same problem. again.) I don't know how I'm going to afford the other four hospital visits from December 2006 to March 2007, let alone receive treatment for this last infection. It's okay, though, I don't mind slowly dying of complications, I've already died inside. I lived the best life I could. Life without a leg, gangrene, septic shock, all okay.

I finally saw The Nutcracker Prince in its entirety last Tuesday (had not seen since childhood), and my life has been complete.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 01:39:00 GMT

Christopher Plummer is one hawt old man. lol

So is Pierce Brosnan, Sean Connery, John Cusack, and Hugh Laurie. Ohhhh, Hugh Laurie. .::drool::. Hugh Laurie will forever be, my Prince Regent!

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 16:56:45 GMT

Unpretty Factoids about Beauty

Question 1: Ambergris is sometimes used in perfumes for its sweet, earthy aroma. Where does it come from?

Correct answer: Whale vomit
Although typically replaced by a synthetic these days, ambergris actually comes from the digestive by-products of sperm whales. It's a musky aroma!

Question 2: Up until the 19th century, painting the face as white as can be was in high fashion among Europeans. The only problem was ______.

Correct answer: the ingredients caused paralysis, even death
With a mixtures of harsh ingredients like lead oxide and carbonate, no wonder this formulation didn't last long.

Question 3: Simethicone is an ingredient used in the manufacturing process of some cosmetics. What else is it used for?

Correct answer: Gas relief
Yes, gas relief drops get rid of a buildup of gas in the stomach, just as surface tension of air needs to be released in the manufacturing of cosmetics.

Question 4: Ground-up beetles are great for _______.

Correct answer: pigment in lipstick
Cochineal is a dye made from ground-up beetles and is used in red pigments in cosmetics.

Question 5: In the 16th century, women used to put this plant extract in their eyes to make them sparkle, but it was often deadly. What's it called?

Correct answer: Belladonna
Ah, belladonna, it sounds so lovely — but it's not. Italian for "beautiful woman," this poisonous plant was dropped in the eyes to make them sparkle. Ouch! (Technically, it dilated their pupils.)

Question 6: Components of this substance can sometimes be found in common products like cuticle cream, natural toothpastes, and deodorant. What is it?

Correct answer: Dynamite
Ka-boom! Diatomaceous earth, as it's called, is a powder made from the fossilized remains of algae. This ingredient is used in dynamite, and it is also used as a gentle exfoliator in beauty products.

Question 7: For soft and shiny hair, why not try ________?

Correct answer: bull semen
That's right, bull semen has appeared in some hair products for its ability to make the hair shiny. It's also loaded with — you guessed it — protein.

Question 8: The ancient Egyptians lined their eyes with kohl, a mix of fatty matter, soot, and heavy metals. The only problem was ________.

Correct answer: it could cause mental distress
Yep, the Egyptians could have gone crazy and had sleepless nights with this lovely mixture. They also suffered irritability, as I'm sure I would, too!

Friday, August 29, 2008

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 04:30:23 GMT

he's so amazing, the luvvvin is so amazing, so gentle, so willing, ensuring i get "there," he does things without ever being asked to, he affirms me daily of my beauty, his mother thinks i'm pretty, his friends think i'm fun enough to actually talk to, and i feel like i can finally be myself, happy, around him. i can run to him for refuge, a strong man that has seen a lot in his day, he consoles me yet he asks nothing back (selfish, i know...) i could not ask for more, i love my kevin, i can marry him someday...

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 04:52:48 GMT

the perfect drug i give in, i cannot go on, the withdrawal is too overwhelming, i miss him already, two days without him, i am dependent, i cannot wait, i cannot hold out, the shakes are getting me, the trauma returns, must return to that high, nothing can appease it, i need more than his voice, more than our depictions, more than attempts to keep myself busy, i must see him again.

i managed to clean my room, and make use of that stupid computer desk i purchased (turned it into a feeble vanity). i hate my sheets; i wish to replace it with something more suitable. i hate my walls, as i would like to silence the many they have to say. i would like to paint them a calming lilac-tinged white. i would like to change my closet--make it look like an actual closet, complete with a cedar dresser (for my clothes to breathe) and organizer (to keep the rest of my wardrobe together). i would like to remove my book case. i adore the domo kevin got me (still cannot appease me!), but i still hate my room.

he absolutely amazes me...a generous, patient, courteous, thoughtful man. he's a handsome man hiding a yet-more handsome face, gorgeous features. i'm still surprised he'd held out for so long...

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 02:55:29 GMT

To flatter a Triangle figure (from InStyle):

light-colored tops (add volume, broaden shoulders to match hip width)
-ruffle tops
-flutter sleeve with draping top
-heart-neckline with cap sleeves
-square neckline

dark-colored pants (balance, flatter, show off narrow waist)
-straight or slightly flared jean in a dark wash
-wide leg pants
-high waist short

dark-colored skirts (draw attention upward)
-pencil skirt with light top
-print with contrasting waistband

dress (widen shoulders, balance hips)
-draping halter dress sitting above the knee
-pattern detail on top with full skirt
-boatneck dress in a neutral
-empire-waist [strapless] dress in a rich jewel tone
-a-line dress with intricate details

key fabrics:
silk

key outfits:
light-colored top + dark pencil skirt + heels => draw attention upward, lengthen legs and put hips into proportion

Monday, August 18, 2008

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 13:38:07 GMT

Tamia, "So Into You" (1998)

With every passing moment
Thoughts of you run through my head
Every time that I'm near you
I realize that you're heaven-sent, baby

I think you're truly something special
Just what my dreams are really made of
Let's stay together, you and me boy
There's no one like you around
Oh, baby

I really like
What you've done to me
I can't really explain it
I'm so into you

It could be the way that you hold me
It could be the things that you say
(That you say)
Oh, I'm not too sure what it is boy
But I know I like feeling this way, hey

I really like what I feel when I'm with you
You're a dream come true
Don't you ever leave my side
Cuz it feels so right

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 01:01:19 GMT

woo hoo! Thakoon for Target!!!

(From Summer 2007, not in Go International collection)

My other favorite designer? Crispin & Basilio by Donny Barrios!!

I can't wait until I can finally afford to wear gorgeous, designer duds (~.~)